Life Goes On

I am sure you have noticed I haven't blogged since January. First I haven't felt like blogging and second my life has been overwhelming and full of changes many I wish I didn't have to endure. Since I blogged last Ben wrecked one of our cars and got a "new to him" sportier car, we found out we are expecting baby number three scheduled to arrive in early October, and I lost my Grandpa and Dad.

On February 12th my dad had a stroke while teaching school. I remember when my mom called I was driving home from picking up Allison from school. She didn't say hello which I thought was odd she just asked if I was driving. I said yes and she told me to call her when I got home. I asked what was wrong and she said "oh nothing, just call me when you get home." Well I knew it wasn't nothing but I thought it probably wasn't to serious. When I arrived home I dialed my mom and she told me my Dad had a stroke but he was awake and talking. I was sad and shocked but relieved he was communicating and using his limbs. The next morning my mom called telling us he had two more strokes during the night. The Dr. didn't know why because they were on both sides of his brain. This time the strokes left him paralyzed on his left side and partially on the right. He also struggled to communicate and comprehend. My sister and I both booked flights and were there the next day.

Seeing anyone in a hospital bed is not easy but seeing my Dad a man who has always been so strong was tough. It made me feel better when he would laugh at some of my bad jokes. Since he was paralyzed on the left and had limited mobility on the right he had to be fed. I watched the nurses feed him once and then decided that is something I can do for him. I am sure it was difficult for him to accept that he needed his daughter to feed him but I hope he knew I loved being able to do that for him. I stayed for a week and by the end of my stay my dad had been moved to the rehab center behind the hospital. He had made some good progress and we were hopeful he would regain lots of what he had lost. His speech and understanding had improved and he could use his right hand a bit.

My mom hates this picture but I cherish it because it is the last one I have of my Dad.

I called my mom everyday probably multiple times to check in on dad. I honestly don't know how my mom survived the months in rehab. She had to drive 40 minutes each way after a full day of work to see my dad. His Twin Brother came and spent most days at the rehab center with him. A couple weeks after I left my dad's heart stopped and he had to be resuscitated, he also ended up back in the hospital for some virus and a couple other things. When I came back to visit during spring break with my girls I could see the affects of the resuscitation. My dads speech was more impaired he repeated almost averring you said but I think he still understood things if you were clear and slow. His scenes of humor changed a bit and I knew he was not loving his life. He did work hard at therapy and I was still hopeful that he could get more back. He started using his left hand while I was there which was fantastic. They got him in this standing contraption and he was grateful to be out of a bed. While he was up they had me play connect four with him to help him practice picking things up, I enjoyed doing something with him but watching him struggle with such a simple task was difficult.I think the highlight of our visit was the girls putting on a fashion show for their grandpa, he really enjoyed it.

Due to stupid insurance and some other medical crapiness my dad had to be moved from rehab into an adult family home. We found a nice place just a mile from my moms the staff was great. It was hard for my mom to put him there but his care was to much to manage at home. He did ok at the ranch but I think he lost his will to live. The staff tat the ranch were marvelous but the home health care people left something to be desired...honestly people did you even read his chart?

On May 6th my grandpa passed away so we went to Utah for a few days for the Funeral. I am grateful that my grandpa was finally able to leave his weary body and his death wasn't unexpected but still I miss him he was a good man.

A few pictures of my wonderful Greandpa.

While we were gone to my grandpas funeral my dad had another stroke. It was a bad one he could no longer get out of bed. He stopped eating and things looked bleak. I got back from Utah on Tuesday and boarded a plain to Seattle on Thursday morning. I am so grateful I got to see my dad before he passed away but it was honestly one of the hardest things I have had to do. He was so frail and tiny it broke my heart and he would try to talk and he couldn't. I told him all the things I loved about him and that I was there. He would try to touch my face or hold onto my hand so tight and I never wanted to let go but at the same time I wanted to run screaming from the room. I thought how unfair it was that he had to suffer so much. Saturday afternoon I said goodbye to my dad and told him I would see him the next morning. I gave him a hug and a kiss and walked out of the room not knowing that would be the last time I saw my dad alive. The next morning we got the call that he had passed away. It was strange that when I woke up that morning I was filled with an overwhelming peace. I called my sister and told her dad had passed away and happy birthday. She thought it was special she got the news on her birthday I am not sure I would have felt similar.

I went with my mom to the ranch to meet the coroner and to say our good byes to my Dad. He looked so peaceful and I took comfort knowing he was finally not in pain. He had gone home and I bet he was greeted with open arms. There is a song that I listened to in the car a lot while I was in Washington it s called I can only imagine. It talks about what we will do when we meet our savior. One line says "would I dance for you Jesus?" Many of you may not know my dad was a dancer in his younger days but he was and I am think he danced for Jesus.

I stayed with my mom until the funeral helping with arrangements and trying to be a good support, but that left my children and husband alone in San Diego. I am so beyond grateful for all of my friends and neighbors who stepped up and willingly took care of my family while I was away. What a blessing you all are. I also received many tender and thoughtful cards and messages, even some chocolate cookies and flowers that came at a perfect time when I needed something bright to cheer up the day.

The past few months have changed me. I feel like the world should have stopped because it seems like my world did. But Life goes on...I still have to be a mom and wife. I am still pregnant with a little boy who will never be held in this life by his grandpa. I take comfort in my testimony of eternal families and without that knowledge I could not go on. I know I will see my dad again but that doesn't stop me missing him here and now. It doesn't stop my tears or the ache I feel in my chest when things remind me of my dad.

Today is Father's day and I am so glad I had a Dad who loved me and taught me to be a good, hard working, loving person. I cherish my memories of him, I love him, and I miss him.